so long marianne

A couple years ago I wrote a series of short essays based on a song. I’d put the song on a loop and write the feeling it gave me in that exact moment. I’m not sure what they’re worth but after 5 days surrounded by music, I’ve been wanting to write on or about music so I thought I’d share them.I believe I wrote this specific one in June of 2021. I had gone through a few months of hardships and life changes but things were just falling into place. I had just realised I was bi, started dating again, changed jobs, met some wonderful new people and I felt unbridled joy for the first time in a while. And I wanted to capture that joy and what I felt in that exact moment - knowing it’s all going to go to shit at some point but accepting that and feeling the downpour of happiness on your face. So there you go 🙂

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Happiness. Blessed happiness. I'm where I need to be. Through all the pain and unexpected turns, I've arrived exactly to where I fit in. I know who I am now. And I also know that this definition is going to change. I know what I want right now. And I also know that it's going to hurt and change and explode, and I'll think about how wrong I was to want this in 20 years. Or maybe I won’t. But in this moment, right now, I've been through enough to know to cherish this happiness for as long as it lasts. To cherish those friends and brothers I have, those who have my back no matter what. To want to have the debates that matter with them, to share my joy with them.

To feel my joy myself.

My heart is full. Not because I have no hardships. Lord knows love will hurt me again, that my anxiety will remain until I die, and that my family is very, very far from perfect. But for the first time in 26 years, knowing all of this gives me joy. Because I'm living purely according to what feels right. Because I'm holding dear everything that truly matters in this world.

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