.

I’m in my bathroom. In my bra and some jeans. Knees bent. Elbows on them. My head in my hands.

Crying.

Why is my shirt off? Right, I need to change because I need to leave in like 5 minutes.

But I can’t move.

My family knows.

They know I’m gay. They know I’m queer. They know I’m bi.

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I’ve been saying it on the internet for a while so I am not surprised at their finding out. I am, however, dumbstruck at their reaction. You see, I come from a big family. 5 siblings, two parents. From the 5, one has said nothing, 3 have been kind and one has run a monster truck through my heart. In an email. Old school.

The email could have been summarized with « i guess it’s alright but don’t say it too loudly please ». Which wouldn’t have been great, but would have been better than comparing my coming out to becoming vegetarian and saying that I’m « covering myself with shitty drawings and screaming about sucking on clitorises in blogs whose only quality is that they aren’t printed on toilet paper ». His words, not mine. Honestly if I wasn’t so hurt I might appreciate the inventivity of these insults. He spared no expense. Top-shelf venom.

So he’s claiming to be bothered not by who I am but by me being loud about it. By me claiming space. « Live hidden, live well » he says. How fucking privileged that is. To be able to find your own people while being quiet. To be able to identify with other people’s assumptions of you. Straight. Cis. White. Man. Fuck you.

My parents, while clearly stating such language is inappropriate tell me I had it coming. « What did you expect? Of course hate will flow your way if you speak about these things ». Maybe they’re right. Maybe I did expect haters at some point.

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I didn’t expect them to be within my family though.

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And they’re coming at me with all the stereotypes I’ve deconstructed over the past two years. « Why can’t you choose? » « It just sounds like you can’t commit. » « You’re exploring and everyone does, I hope you find your way soon. » « You ruined a good relationship just to sleep with women » « Does that mean you’re actually fucking your best girlfriend? »

It’s like I’m being hit by a bus in slow motion and I don’t know how to get out of the way. Where do I go? Why does this information change so much about how they see me? Who do I talk to about this? My crew is kind but straight. My heart is in shambles. I want to crawl into a hole and pass out. I want to move half a world away and forsake all of them, even the three brothers who got my back.

I can’t believe how naive I’ve been. Thinking they’d come a long way, they’d be accepting, open minded, alright with a life path that doesn’t fit into a box. But they just think I’m lost. And, apparently, that hatred will show me the way.

Those words my brother emailed me are relationship ending by anyone’s standard. But can they really be when it’s my sibling? Am I doomed to make it work? To yearn for this family no matter what they say to me?

There are no answers right now. I’m baffled. I should have known better. At least they haven’t disowned me yet. That’s not even funny.

So fine. I should get up. Look in the mirror and wipe my eyes. I’ll put on the white ribbed tank top and I’ll got out to the queer bar with the hot bartender that my friend says looks at me intensely every time. And I’ll make it through.

I’ll make it through.

I’ll make it through.