on toxic relationships

Some days I miss the worst relationship of my life.

And then I immediately feel horrible because I’m currently dating a kind, respectful, gorgeous human being who loves me in a beautiful way.

But along with the mental, verbal and physical abuse of that past relationship came mad love. That guy would have run to the other side of the world to treat me like shit. And some days, my anxious heart misses the security of that madness.

So now, on gloomy days, my mind runs rampant. I want to spend tonight alone, dozing off to tv shows in my fluffy bed, but I don’t want them to let me. I’m not ready to move in with my new partner, but I want them to want me to. I want them to call me theirs, but I need to remain my own. I’m looking for the possessive attributes that seemed so interlocked with loving me madly. I’m at a loss trying to make sense of another kind of love: a healthy affection of its own quiet intensity, a partner who honors, even cherishes my independence.

But they’re kind. They’re patient. And they care so f*cking much.

They won’t chase me to the other side of the world, they’ll make the plans with me instead.

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