On clouds

i’m lying on a cloud right now, a pink one. will you come lay with me? or is its color too gendered?

we can go to the green one over there. though green is the colour of envy, jealousy. we wouldn’t like that either.

ok maybe a blue one. maybe i’ll set aside my own disgust for gendered clouds, just to spend a few hours with you. that’s what matters anyways, right?

us?

together?

on a cloud?

forever?

but we stayed too long on this blue cloud. and it’s starting to swallow me whole. you know clouds need to cry sometimes right? or they won't stay thick and fluffy.

or maybe,

actually,

as you, the scientist, will tell me, the dreamer, clouds are just condensation. and maybe we’re flying too close to sun. i put us up too high on my horizon and now our cloud is getting smaller and smaller, evaporating bit by bit.

until all that remains is what makes us us.

you, blue,

me, changing colours all the time.

this must be tiring, for you. never knowing if you’ll match me today. never knowing which shade to dress in.

trying so hard to make this cloud homely,

to make this cloud fit,

to make this cloud big.

*

i love you, you know?

*

i wish blue was all i wanted. it’s my favorite colour, after all. it’s the colour of my dad’s eyes. eyes he only passed on to me, not to any of my five siblings.

blue feels like a privilege in that sense. and your blue, your blue is the truest shade of blue i’ve ever seen.

it’s soft, not cold.

it’s deep.

it’s kind.

but my heart needs color. my heart needs more. i’m so sorry it needs more. i’m so sad that it needs more. i’m so scared that it needs more.

maybe this is what i’m bound to do for the rest of my life.

maybe i’ll go on jumping from cloud to cloud, letting the fluff grace my soles, capturing an array of colours,

until i can make my own rainbow.

‍