Greedy

I wrote this a while back, in the midst of break up discussions with my then partner. Nothing was decided yet. This is of course just my perspective, and a deep dive into a specific moment. So if you know me - no this isn't the whole story or reason. It's an essay on some questions that may come up, as a bi person, or just as a person really. When you truly deeply madly love someone but feel like you may be compromising too much of yourself to make the relationship work. And in those moments, relishing in the status quo can be so tempting. You're holding a vase in your hands, and your arms are stretched out in front of you and your muscles are about to give out. And you know that when you do, the pieces will be to small to reassemble.

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There’s a book next to me. I could read that. It sits on this 50s curved light wood side table. I’ve been meaning to finish it, partly because I want to know what happens, partly because I’m at page 500 of 700 and kind of ready for a new story. Damn what a metaphor that is. Sigh.

You see, I’ve been sitting in the corner of my grey couch for the past 15 minutes. My window is wide open cause it’s a sunny day and there’s a light breeze. It’s may already so it’s finally warm enough for me not to move and wrap myself in the turquoise fuzzy blanket spread across my couch, even though my legs are bare. I haven’t had breakfast or water yet and it’s 11am. There’s a water bottle next to me on the couch and I’m thirsty and slightly hungry but I don’t move. Can’t move. I don’t want any of what I’m feeling to change right now. I want to stay stuck in this moment.

Because when it changes, when I leave this safe spot I’m in, it’s probably going to hurt. Right now, on this couch cushion, I’m someone’s slightly hungry and thirsty girlfriend. Right now, there are no decisions to be made. But as soon as I pick up that book and start moving, my brain will start moving. I’ll have to decide.

Decide whether to keep this nourishing beautiful relationship with someone who is my soul’s best friend, someone who can offer me a life full of hugs and joy and love. Decide whether that’s enough. Whether I can live with the fact that he doesn’t relate or appreciate my art, because poetry isn’t for him, because it’s not scientific writing. Whether I can be happy with having a partner who’s championing me to go after what I want but not madly excited about what comes out of it. Maybe that first part can be enough.

I have to decide whether his relentless support and understanding of me can make up for his cartesian mind, one that can’t appreciate non scientific approaches the way I do. Whether the fact that he hasn’t made it a priority to read the articles I gave him about non-monogamy, about dating a bisexual, about queerness and straight-passing relationships is problematic for me or just not what he likes to read. If he wanted to fight for us, to find solutions that are not just the status quo, he would be willing to try new versions of us and see how it feels - because the alternative is losing this either way. Right?

Do I relinquish the safety of his love for the possibility of kissing someone that’s not a straight white dude? Do I let go of our many future plans for the potential of meeting a creative who’ll fall in love with my writing?

It’s all about compromise right? There’s so much good. So much love.

Am I too greedy for wanting more?

But I can’t sit here forever.

So I pick up the book.

500 pages in.

The ending will definitely make me cry.